so i think it's no secret that i really like anthony bourdain. i wish we were friends. i wish he would forgive me my vegetarianism and just hang out with me anyways. and every time i wish we were to hang out, i wish i could take him places. mostly, places i've been for extended periods of time, like berlin, or hamburg, or kiev.
well, imagine my surprise when anthony bourdain went to kiev. i mean, i guess it was pretty much inevitable that, after seasons and seasons of traversing the world and ending up in asia, he would run out of asia and end up in lil' ol' ukraine. the problem is, sort of disappointed. it seems like the focus of the episode was seeing chornobyl. seems like right up anthony's alley: crazy postapocalyptic, nuclear disaster type shit. awesome. and then he makes this attempt to create comparison of soviet oppression vs the current oligarchic (is that even a word?) oppression and control, which in and of itself is a good parallel to draw, but he fails to provide evidence. the chornobyl bit is good, filled with irradiated and fried testicle bits, but the rest of it...
so first he goes to crimea, he explores the tatar culture, stalin's displacement of tatars and the revival of said culture post-independence. he eats some meat on a stick--typical--eats a cheburek, which is truly delicious. but then, ignores other beauties of crimea, like beer and dried fish on the shore, or steamed crawfish by the bucket...also on the shore. then he travels to kiev, ends up in some underground borscht place, which i'm pretty sure is not even real and was merely created for camera's sake (i mean 'le borscht'? really?!), and totally misses 'tsarskoe selo' (i think that's the name)--the place for ukrainian food which serves schmaltz (melted fat) instead of butter for bread. melted fat!! the whole time he is chugging vodka, refusing to drink beer. yes, i like honey chilli vodka like the next guy (actually, i dont really), but how do you end up in kiev and not drink beer? there is like at least 4 brewers in the 50km radius. delicious, cold, tap beer.
he ignores andrew's descend with its art culture (which i feel like was a bad mistake since he could potentially find like-minded individuals there..and maybe score some illegal shit), pokes fun @ some mcfoxy fast food place. again, i'm pretty sure that's fake, neatly dropped in the backdrop of the old train station. but totally fails to poke fun of ukrainianized mcdonald's food names. i mean, who wouldn't love mcchicken mcnuggets!? and if he were trying to make fun of capitalism in ukraine, why not make fun of the fact that ukrainian mcdonalds charges for ketchup? he ends up @ bessarabka, buys some leftist underground caviar and fails to mention that bessarabka has always been and still is the most expensive and elite place to shop in kiev and despite the fact that Caucasian men (that's from the mountains and not necessarily white) will give you the most exotic fruits and, if you're a girl, many many goats for a dowry to marry them, most ukrainians buy their fresh veggies from little old grandmas who raise them in their gardens and sell them on the side of the road, literally. nor does he even mention the TGIF behind bessarabka--the epitome of capitalism. he does not visit any of the 'fast food' places, which are really cafeteria style 'restaurants' serving the same crap your mom makes (no offense mom, but would you really pay for meatloaf for power lunch?!) he does not make fun of the ukrainian new national food--sushi. he does not have coffee in one of the austrian cafes in the passage (also, totally nostalgic and soviet reminiscent, since it was the top place to visit with family (or hot date, but only if she was hot) on a sunday). he doesn't even make fun of the 'tequila house', where potato salad is the staple of a taco. he never once ends up in pervak, where the whole place is meant to reflect the last like 100 years of history of kiev. he doesnt end up in 'tantra' (or karma or something else name it derives from the kama sutra) or 'apelsin', which, as the hottest night clubs, would provide so much material for fun poking of the hot kiev elite. but somehow he makes fun of the corn dog on the corner of khreschatik and lenin st (cant remember it's current name sorry), but doesnt mention that this particular donut corn dog was the first 'western' thing sold on a street corner in fast food fashion after independence (whose 20year anniversary was just 2 days ago), automatically making it, well, kinda cool. he did a good 'nostalgia' job in berlin, but here...
clearly, so much missed. i blame zamir. i think i would have done a better 'guide' job...and there would have been much more beer. :)
