I'm watching the Olympic opening ceremonies. You are probably not. That's ok because I will tell you what you missed.
First, a little about Sochi. It is a small resort, i mean, fancy resort, won a bid to host the Olympics. Imagine if the Winter Olympics were coming to Martha's Vineyard. Most of the people in Russia cannot afford to vacation in Sochi, but suddenly overnight, or more like within a 7 year span, a huge metropolis was constructed to become an international arena. Kind of a tough job, so it's no surprise really that the plumbing doesnt work. Also, it's like 50 degrees there, at its worst: not exactly winter olympics central. But whatever, the opening ceremonies are happening and they are as follows:
The flying girl was kind of cool. She is currently the coolest 5th grader in the whole country. That's like a lot. Like seriously a lot. As was the alphabet game (when they link the letter of the alphabet to some clearly Russian thing). Except that the alphabet is not Latin but Cyrillic and the letters don't match up. And some of the 'words' they decided to link to letters, although meant to represent Russian pride, are completely lost on anyone not familiar with Russian culture/history. Things like "Khokhloma" mean nothing to an average person, and the beautiful hedgehog in the fog (which is actually an entirely political anti-communist 80s cartoon character) is wasted as a comparison. Sad day for the hedgehog. Additionally, great people like Nabokov, Chagall, or Kandinsky, although Russian-born, definitely left the country. Like a while back, because of its suckiness. OK, fine, political unrest. But Chagall was a Jew and therefore, hated in the Russian Empire, and Nabokov wrote strictly in English (other than a few short stories he wrote while in hiding in Germany written in Russian about Germany--stories that no one but a Russian literature major (read: me) have ever read). So they, I think, can hardly be considered "the Russian pride".
Putin has aged. Also, maybe has gotten some botox. Maybe. just saying. I think over his multiple years of President, Head Minister, President, Head Minister, no wait, President role playing.
Anyone else is confused as to why the monastery choir is singing the national anthem? ok, just checking.
Next the parade of nations, which by the way, is damn long.
Azeri figure skater is damn hot. I probably should say this about a conservatively Muslim nation representative. I'm sorry.
Albania made it? really?! that's ok because the tiny Andorra has more people than Albania.
So I was initially totally thrown back by the number of tropical countries that geographically have no access or relation to the the snow or ice, other than the ice found in the fridge, yet somehow manage to produce all these 'winter olympians'. How does one do that??? Here is how one becomes a winter olympian from the Caribbean: you first are born to wealthy parents. You then move and get your education in some other (read: better) country, like Canada or the US. And while getting your Ivy league degree, you participate in some sport, like skiing. You dont have to be super good because, hey, in the end, you can just compete for the tiny Bermuda or Tortola as the only athlete from that country.
Lamest country name award goes to Macedonia, or "The former Yugoslavian Republic of Macedonia". Almost 20 years later we still, as a country, apparently, cannot agree on a name. See: LAME!
Much respect to the German team for standing up to Russian anti-gay laws and wearing a rainbow uniform. The amazing rainbow technicolor coats make a political stand as well as a confirmation to every David Hasselhof stereotype ever. Good thing the Iranian team allowed winter hats to substitute head scarves for its women athletes, good thing the Irish team thought that Sochi was in the jungle and wore camouflage. As did Ukraine. It is also unclear as to why the Spanish team chose to wear a French berets, I guess, maybe in the spirit of international sportsmanship. Also unclear why the Lithuanian team was dressed by Kermit the frog. The worst, however, was the American uniform. Clearly, the team, prior to showing up to the Olympics, attended an ugly sweater party. It is as if the whole team was part of a Ralph Lauren commercial, where the American flag threw up all over the scene. It's ok, at least we are represented as a team. India is not. Its athletes are marching under the "olympic" flag because the country lost its privileges for being too corrupt. They were probably simply trying to apply for a visa.
And why are Chinese carrying Russian flags?! Probably, as sign of respect. Maybe. But maybe as a symbol of an impeding economic take-over for total russo-chinese domination...evil shenanigans. And the entire walk was choreographed to bad-ass techno. If you'd like to hire the DJ who spun this event, you'd have to contact him in some form of google.ru, as he is clearly Russian and incorporating some pretty historical Russian film music into his mixes. Why techno? who the f knows. But it is ironic that with all the anti-gay propaganda, the Russian team walks out to a song by Tatu--a 'lesbian' artist couple.
I do appreciate the incorporation of the literary tradition in the form of scenes from Tolstoy, with beautiful dancing from the Russian ballet. That is truly the spiritual and cultural side of Russia. The walk through russian history is a good idea, to introduce the world to russia and all, but is somewhat inaccurate. Like the whole beatnik era and the rock-n-roll dress, which was actually illegal during the Soviet Union. But the video narration of the history includes such prolific actors as the one from the oscar winning "night watch", so i guess that makes it better.
Whoever is narrating this clearly knows his stuff, by that I mean, historically and culturally. As Russia offers its peace dove as a swan, of swan lake, performed by a principal ballet dancer, let's hope the olympics remain a fair competitive display of talent and sportsmanship. go usa!
