i was just at victoria's secret and i did NOT buy the lacey cheeky underwear like i really wanted to (yes, it appears i still have self-control), but it made me think...
in my profession, i deal with a lot of nether-regions, mostly with the nether-regions to be precise, which means that i encounter a lot of undergarments. so here are a few points i'd like to make about that.
one: hospital-issued panties. they are these over-sized mesh shapeless things that you get in addition to your hospital gown for..i'm not even sure what purpose, i guess to keep that pad in place. they are too large, for most people, and need to be either pulled up to your armpits or folded over multiple times for any form of reasonable wear. now, i've never actually worn these, but i imagine it's not the best. so when i see women in the hospital just hanging out in these, it confuses me. if you're in the hospital for a long time, hospitalized on antepartum indefinitely, for continued monitoring because your baby isnt growing and it's too early to induce labor, why would you want to wear that at all times. it's already annoying to be in a hospital bed the whole time, you can put your own panties on..really. what amazes me is that women seem to love them, especially pregnant, or recently delivered ones. the best is when they show up to triage a week later to get their staples out adn are still wearing the mesh. 'have you been wearing these the whole time since your discharge!? you know you can wear your own underwear now!" i get it, after delivery, you've just had a baby, things are sore adn stretched down there, you have a crying newborn on your hands, you can't be bothered with normal clothes or worrying about your panties. but a week out? really??
two: going commando is great, everyone loves it, but there are certain situations that necessitate, almost mandate the use of undergarments. this, in my opinion, includes doctor visits. of course, if you're going to your dentist or have an appointment with an ENT (that's ear, nose and throat), maybe you can forgo your underpants. but if the anticipated doctor's visit has any threat of ever coming below your nipple line, you should probably put some undies on. at least for politeness sake. cause as much as i salute your freedom not to wear, there is nothing less appealing than trying to find your pubic bone so i can measure your uterine fundus and in the process discovering uncovered, unprotected sweaty crotch...that i now have to dig in without gloves because no part of my common sense anticipated lack of underpants in this situation. this is especially annoying after your complaint at today's prenatal visit was increased vaginal discharge..really??
three: this goes along with prenatal visits. too much underwear is also confusing. i've seen ladies show up wearing normal underwear AND dude boxers AND long johns under their jeans. i mean, it's not that cold out, do you really need all the layers?? and how did you ever manage to pull your pants up over all that fabric? and while talking about prenatal visits, i'd like to salute all my pregnant patients who show up to their appointments wearing hot sexy lacy thongs, pulled tightly over their pregnant bellies, somewhere around their 24+ week growing uterus. i hope when i'm huge pregnant and bloated i too have the energy or the care to sport sexy pink (or some other color really) thongs.
four: in the spirit of proper underwearage, when coming to see an ob/gyn (i.e. me) dont look at me all crazy adn surprised when i ask you to take your underwear off. it's super annoying coming to see a patient with some real (and often serious) complaint that requires a full evaluation only to find them still underpanted. if you show up to triage at 2 in the morning because you thought your bag of water broke or because you may or may not have seen some blood after banging your boyfriend, please dont act all offended when i request you remove your panties. i'm not an ENT, i'm going to need to check it out...now.
five: this brings me to my next point: misfitted underwear. not in a sense of bad attitude or teenage angst, but more in a sense of improperly fitted. the earliest example of this was the thong line over the jeans, and thankfully, the invention of low-rider jeans was accompanied by the invention of low rise thongs so we are, for the most part, over this (which, by the way, if this ever happens to me, i would truly appreciate my friends speaking up). but the new variation of this is regular-underwear-under-the-workout-pants situation. now, workout pants are super comfy and very popular nowadays, but the worst thing ever is going to the gym and staring at someone's ass on the treadmill in front of you with bulgy fold creasing over their underwear line. if that is happening, you know you need to rethink the tight-pants approach. and if you are morally against thongs (which by the way are great and specifically designed for that reason), you should at least consider larger underwear size so that the middle part of your ass does not become horizontally cut in half: you already have a butt crack, one is enough, trust me. this goes along with leggings and tight sweaters--the latest rage. we've made such great advances in underwear technology, there is underwear to fit all desires, bodies and comforts, so please, hide it well.
six: this last is piece is really to address some issues among the health-care workers. many of us wear scrubs, scrub techs, nurses, doctors (well, the ones that operate or actually spend time in the hospital) and if one can see underwear lines through the scrubs, you know it's time for a bigger scrub size. so if you're wearing your scrubs like screggings (that's scrub leggings), head back to the scrub machine. i'll even let you borrow my credit.
