quarantine confessions

In times of quarantine...
I have not worn pants in like a month. it's all been some variation of pajamas--daytime, nighttime, work. for that reason, for lack of pants in my life, i'm secretly hoping the quarantine extends into summer weather, so that i can go from pajamas straight into dresses, avoiding pants altogether because, frankly, pants may no longer be a properly fitting option.
i had a first-world panic moment when i realized i may run out of makeup primer. trying to mitigate the potential crisis and being resourceful, i went to a store website to try to order it, except the store did not have what i wanted, and i was forced to potentially decide on a new product, and then it became very complicated as i was trying to guess the right shade of white girl i was, and whether i was just 'pale' or 'very pale'....and what the hell is 'neutral'. i then resolved to just letting it all go, and turning completely wild in times of quarantine. so no haircuts, no makeup, no shaving armpits...in sweatpants! i was ready!...then i figured out i could order directly from the manufacturer, in my correct white-girl color. crisis avoided, i'm still shaving my armpits.
i have not accomplished the things i thought i would, like cleaning out the closet, or organizing the office. it seemed really promising at first, but is actually pretty daunting as a task. i tried, sort of. but then i found friends' xmas cards from 2012 and old manuals for DVD players i no longer own, and credit card receipts from 2008. i got embarrassed and had to stop. i may be a hoarder.
speaking of hoarding, apparently i also hoard food. not like pantry staples but more so fresh produce because days are long and you're not supposed to go to the store so often, so you want to make sure you have all the kale for the week, or two. and what if you get tired of kale and want spinach? you need that too. and i also promised myself to be super healthy during this time of quarantine, so we need even more kale...and spinach. except, i've also stocked up on cheese, which is what i find myself eating, instead of the kale...
i've done the exact thing you're not supposed to do and have gone to the grocery store to pick up one item. entirely unessential, but sort of in the moment, like parsley....because sometimes you just need parsley?
i'm drinking more. well, maybe not more, but definitely more often. in between work shifts, days turn into nights, and you certainly deserve that beer, or a glass of wine, or two. sometimes i have to remind myself that being at home is not a reason to start drinking at 4p.
i promise myself to do yoga, like everyday. but i can't force myself to do it. it's different at home, i tell myself, hard to find the right youtube yoga stream, or when i do, it's boring, and i'm tired, and distracted almost immediately, and the whole idea of peaceful zen breathing goes out the window.
i have a sore throat whenever i'm at work. i feel it, behind my mask, in the back of my throat the bitterness that i'm convinced must be corona. and i walk around wondering if it'll get worse and if i'm actively falling ill until i go home and it all goes away.
i walk around sniffing things just to make sure i can still smell. i smell the air outside, i smell the cleaning solution we use to disinfect the face shields, thank god for the kimchi in the fridge because it definitely smells. when i walk the beast, i typically hold my breath when picking up her poo. lately, i've noticed i no longer hold my breath...just to make sure i can still smell.
i resent people wearing masks outside, especially, improperly or inappropriately. while i know masks help protect against sneezing, breathing, and spread from such things, i'm resentful because seems wasteful as i only get to wear one singular mask per shift. my mask, at the end of the shift, is gross, while you're wasting a perfectly good mask running to the store, just to get parsley, probably.
i hate wearing masks at work. they don't sit right, they slide around, they make it impossible to convey emotions well. which is ironic because i don't typically convey emotions, but wearing the mask suddenly makes it necessary for my patients to be able to tell that i'm smiling, or that i'm not smiling because i'm angry. the mask also muffles me, so no one can hear, even more so than normal. which is annoying, for me.
it's been absolutely humbling to have my friends and family check up on me, send food, send cleaning and protection supplies to help me and my colleagues work. strangers have called us heroes, and i don't really feel like one. i just feel like i'm trying to my job, while wearing a smelly annoying mask, in work pajamas, definitely not smiling, but definitely sniffing underneath.

apocalypse preparedness

In this time of crisis, i have been doing things around the house to keep myself occupied. so it seemed like the perfect time to clean out my zombie apocalypse supplies.
i didn't start out as an apocalypse supply, but over the years of training and working as a physician, i've accumulated helpful things, so that if someone gets a cut that needs to be cleaned or stitched up, or starts bleeding profusely, from whatever orifice, i can handle the situation without going to the ED. because no one wants to go to the hospital.
it wasn't a purposeful collection either. basically, over the years i've ended up with leftovers. as a medical student, or a resident you carry supplies. in your pockets, in your white coat, you carry things around the hospital; you put things in your pocket as you move through your day. at some point, probably way too late from a hygienic perspective, you take your white coat home to wash and end up emptying your pockets of all the shit you've accumulated. so i decided to go through my supplies and throw away things that expired, or are too useless.
so in the process of cleaning, we discovered a ton of instruments: needle drivers, tweezers, scissors. tiny little instruments for opening up wounds, removing sutures, stitching things up. because any time you open a kit and use a single instrument, the rest of it goes in the trash as it is no longer sterile. to go with instruments--suture--a ton of suture, most of it expired; things to fix both deep tissue and superficial wounds. lidocaine, as an anesthetic while putting things together, most of it expired, but enough to make anything numb. a ton of gauze. because any time you see a patient surgically speaking, you need to be ready with gauze, lots of it. like, lots of it.
athletic tape--to tape ankles, wrists, whatever other body extremities. why do i have athletic tape? probably, leftovers from my ortho rotation, when i'd be a receptacle for leftover tape in ortho clinic.
lube, or better known as a gentler, less obvious name 'gel'. as a gynecologist, you always have gel, which is why my apocalypse supply could also have been mistaken for a sex parlor. because whenever you go up to the floor to see a patient and decide whether she dying from a pelvic infection, or is simply constipated, you need gel. and since you have your own patients to take care of, no one wants to waste time tracking down a nurse to help you find gel. same with ER: it's way quicker and easier to just bring your own and help someone with a period, and avoid nasty angry stares from the ED staff (for the record, you called me!). but apparently, if i needed to perform a pelvic exam out in the field, or stop someone's hemorrhage, i'm all over it.
tongue depressors. why, as a gynecologist, i have so many tongue depressors is beyond me. there is no task in my professional life, or as a medical student, that i can recall needing tongue depressors. peds, maybe?
the supply has been cleared out (hope no one goes through my trash and pockets the expired suture and lidocaine). another pandemic task accomplished. now, if i had only found a stash of N95 masks..