i am going on this trip with the other guests staying at the hotel: husband (tall black british dude), wife (short vietnamese-british lady), and their daughter (about 15 and typically for her age, pissed to be there). our tour guide--a tall vietnamese gentleman, with dyed black hair, false top dentures that move when he talks, and perfectly straight charcoal drawn eyebrows--speaks english, russian, and german, which covers all my bases. he is a journalist and used to work for the foreign ministry. he intermittently comes up to me to tell me i am handsome. there is some debate as to whether i should be wearing sandals. now, i'm dressed pretty much for the beach because we are taking a boat up the river and i have a feeling the boat my flip over (the wife is wearing a business dress and pearls, so there is clearly some discrepancy), but i decide to go with the initial instinct to rock flip flops. "so typical american" according to the british dude. well, buddy, we'll see who is faster when we have to swim to shore.
we drive off, air-conditioned van and make a stop at a local shop where tea, snacks, and weasel coffee (look it up) is served. as it turns out, we are there to buy things, with a discount. people keep asking me, where is your husband? i dont have a husband. you single?--the tour guide starts clapping, the british guy dies laughing. on the road, we pass rice fields and get a history of saigon and all sorts of population facts (population of saigon is 11 million, there are 6 million motor bikes). now, the guide speaks english, the problem is he is not very good at it, and interjects many not english words, so prepositions, verbs, and sometimes nouns come out in russian, in one flow of a sentence, which obviously to others do not make sense. he also is hard of hearing, so many of my questions are simply ignored.
enter a beautiful buddhist temple. there are three huge buddhas outside: standing, sitting, sleeping (sleeping buddhas are very rare, the biggest one is in dushanbe). we walk into the temple and are made to pray (british guy refuses, so i am named captain of the team). as we light incense and bow, we are to dream a dream, 'like a good husband or all the things like that'. the guide is unbelievably loud, with his explanation and commands, in this peaceful subdued place, and i apologetically keep looking at the monk striking the gong.
we reach the river. how far up the river are we going? that information is classified, sergeant. there is a motor boat that will take us there. we are going up the river, into the jungle, or more specifically, one of the islands. there are five--the island of dragon, unicorn, phoenix, tortoise...and the fifth one--we're headed for the unicorn. the first stop is a cocnut candy shop, or rather a coconut candy hut. coconut candy is delicious and can be bought fresh. then, we are excorted towards the back, where multiple little rickshaw/carts are attache to small horses. i am about to pet one, when i am told to get in. oh, apparently we are going on a my little pony ride. the lady driver scoots me away from the front, and midway through the trot, my little pony starts to poop, large caliber turds protruding from its anus. maybe this is why the lady made me move. my little pony is forced into a trot and i feel horrible as this thing must be dying. bcak to the boat.
next, we pull up at a restaurant, or a giant hut--lunchtime. how long have you been a vegetarian? 16 years. huh, i always thought vegetarians were skinny. thanks, british dude, for just calling me fat.the menu is prefixed, which we are not aware of, so the wife (who speaks vietnamese, because...she is vietnamese) orders more food in efforts to avoid me starving. the result? a shit-ton of food arrives. oh boy. there are other big tour groups around, russians, chinese. after attempting to make some progress in the huge table spread we call it quits. back in the boat. the boat takes us to the next stop--a village where souvenirs are sold. this is a tourist trap. never get off the boat. there, we are offered fruit and tea (didnt we just eat?!) adn women in yellow traditional dresses sing songs for us. like the playboy bunnies, minus the chopper adn the stage. then, we are led through a garden, where there is a lesson in agriculture. this is a mango tree, this is a coconut tree, to drink not to eat. in the back, there is a canoe, which we are taking through a canal. beautiful ride through the palm forest, although we first had to navigate a complete boat road block. now, i am sweating as we are in peak heat, the guide's eyebrows remain intact, no running, flawless.
back in the boat, coconuts are waiting to drink on the ride back.
and we're off in the van to home. we talk about US politics, and the healthcare system. the guide, closes his eyes when speaking, and when asked questions, would prop up and recit soccer facts. the manchester city is the number one football team in britain...didn't you ask him about popular locations in hanoi? he has a conversation wiht himself. entering the city, we hear the same facts, population of saigon is 11 million people. we have come full circle.
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