subway and pantyhose

We’ve been traversing the city through subway, following jonbek and his silent hand signals ironically reminding me of prostitutes following their pimp. The subway snakes all around the city in multiple directions with lines named with these crazy long names that I refuse to remember and follow the map only based on colors. The problem is they’ve got so many lines the colors blend: like is that really brown or light brown?, and is that pink, magenta or red, cause all those exist as separate entities. I heard the Moscow subway is busier than new york and London ones combined. It seems at all times of the day, in rush hour and at 10am to be true. At 10 am you’d think people would be at work, sitting in their offices. No, they’re in the subway, in my way, elbowing and pushing forward. The stations are beautiful, brightly lit, but you don’t have time to enjoy it. You have to navigate the crowd, which resembles salmon swimming upriver to mate. The steady flow of people carries you with it. Russians have no concept of personal space so you’re literally being carried along, touched and pushed, occasionally catching a whiff of someone’s bad cologne or bo. The subway is about 10 degrees hotter than the outside, descending, you’re instantly immersed in this hot stifling vacuum, with periodic gusts of tornado wind accompanying an approaching train. Riding the train, you stand in this shaky loudness, hot and sweaty, trying to hold on to the rail with minimal contact as this thing is dirtier than a homeless dog’s butt, while trying to avoid the guy from the right leaning on you. this is what hell must be like for the truebelievers.

But the subway gives you time to people watch or rather stare, as I do so inconspicuously. I am happy to report that the rat’s tail and variations of the mullet are alive and well in Russia. It’s really a great parade of fashion. Pantyhose are big here. For real, for everyone. Pantyhose, or shorter variations thereof, like knee highs, are worn by all women, with all sorts of shoes, at all times. Whether it’s work stilettos, sneakers, or sandals, you inevitably see this polyester sheath going up,…or ending abruptly in a sock band. Pantyhose, for some reason, are off skin-tone, so instead of almost invisible they become starkly visible brown. It looks so awkward seeing these girls in cropped pants and sandals with brown stocking socks. It ruins the picture: you marvel at someone’s shoe, then notice the pantyhose knee highs and think of your grandma…in the 70s. I saw this girl yesterday with a super mini skirt, sneakers and socks, and…pantyhose. Made me want to cry L. In general, though, there are a lot of super cute outfits. Russians, for the most part, really do try hard to look good at all times. But there is also a lot of mismatching. Not just pantyhose, but patterns are worn without regard for other patterns. Stripes and polka dots, odd little sweaters, inappropriately tight skirts and pants for the underwear underneath. But I digress..this is why no one should talk to me on the plane, I’m a b….

Two days ago, while waiting for an interview sitting on a fence on a sidewalk, I saw this little old man walking about a step a minute with a cane. I felt bad for him thinking he was blind and just didn’t know it yet, until the little old man stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, pulled out his penis and peed. He, then, put his penis back, took 2 more steps and sat down on the grass to take a nap. Then, a relatively overweight middle aged lady accompanied by a scrawny man was wearing a fish net top, no bra. The lady jumped around a bit, along with her pendulous breasts, and wandered off to either hail a cab or scare off traffic. She succeeded at the latter, and safely crossed 6 lanes of stopped traffic. Alright I need to transcribe an interview, adventure continues.