parties, gangnam...I mean, kiev style

i'm sitting on a stool in the kitchen, drinking 2.5 shot espresso cafe au lait, trying to figure out why i hurt. must be the dancing in heels part. yesterday, the day started with souvenirs. we stop for vienesse coffee on the main city street. two very cute old gentlemen at the table next to us are discussing modern use of foreign words in ukrainian language, in perfect literary ukrainian. i, in turn, decide to loudly complain about shitty translation used all over the place, including the menu items, in not-so-proper english. then, Andrew's Descent, one of the main crafts streets in Kiev. it is freezing, like really freezing and at some point i stop feeling my feet. then, i spent some time babysitting. there is a kids halloween party in the local mall. this mall is kind of amazing. there is a ice skating rink, roller blading rink, bowing, curling, movie theater, zoo, aqua park, arcade, ton of little eateries, and shops. my (favorite under the age of 15) niece is dressed as a monster high character. i dont know what monster high is, but she is a monster...except that she looks like a cat. whatever. i dont have a costume, although i suppose i could always just be an angry american tourist. this place is a cesspool of children, all dressed in costumes of various effort levels: some are super dressed, some are just sporting head garments. i am surrounded by screaming children. this is not ideal. Rita, (that's short for Margarita) is not a fan of the halloween party so we just walk aroud. first, we paint with sparkly sand. we make the little mermaid. her skin gets a sparkly yellow coating, Ariel becomes asian, which is not quite accurate. then, the girl who is helping children peel away layers, serially removes concentric circles from her eyeballs. Ariel gets grey retinas, blue pupils and yellow sclera. ariel is now asian and jaundiced. after we are done, we eat ice cream. then, i am dragged into the 'zoo'. this zoo contains snakes and lizard in giant glass cages. after entering this place i realize that i am not a fan of snakes and lizard. not at all, i'm mildly grossed out. we need to leave. on the way home, we get two kinds of candy and nuts....yes, i am a seven year old. later that night, we go out to a club. this is supposed to be a super swanky Kiev club. it's hard to get in, face control is tight, unless of course you have a VIP card, which Anna does. this VIP card not only gets you in but also gets you a drink dscount inside. there are four floors: first is a restaurant, 2nd is a club lounge, then dance floor, then loungy booth floor with a bar. the dj spins house music, oddly mixing it with both depeche mode, moby, and coldplay in addition to your general pop music. the dancers interchane frequently and change many outfits. tehre is a whole production on stage. if this doctoring thing doesnt work out, sadly, i could not be a ukrainian go-go dancer: i eat too much. we dance for a little, i get smacked by some blonde doing some crazy hair spins. therse are too many people on the dance floor. Some dude decides to dance with me. He can actually dance, as in he carries a tune and has some decent body movement, but it's interrupted by strange gestures, like fist pumps, making him sort of resemble Vinny... Maybe even PaulyD. upstairs in the lounge, dudes are crowd watching while smoking hookahs. these dudes are surrounded by various forms of women. there are dudes loitering by the stairs, waiting for i'm not sure what. dress code is actually pretty decent, no crazy outfits, nothing super fancy. i guess i sort of look like a fit in. the club is super smoky, everyone smokes, people light up without leaving the dance floor. at 5am we leave, the party is still going strong. i smell like an ashtray that smoked another ashtray. i think i've aged three years just from smoke exposure. i want to burn my clothes. it's still dark out. this is normally the time i get up for work and i feel old.